walking to infinity

Acknowledgment

2009-04-23T23:01:00.002+08:00

*This is the actual acknowledgment part of the thesis. :)*

While this project is mostly a personal achievement, I would like to take the time to thank those that influenced my life, contributed to the project at some stage and helped me get back on my feet when I thought I would never finish.

Completing this project is nothing short of a miracle. So, I would like to thank our Lord God for being the primary moving force behind this endeavor. He never did give up on me, so I didn’t either.

I would like to thank my family for their love and support. My mom, who was the primary inspiration for this project. She was the reason I wanted to create a project related to public health. My dad who, as I write this, is working hard overseas. Even though he couldn’t attend my graduation, I share this accomplishment with him. My ate and kuya who gives me the occasional nudge and lets me hog the computer when I really need it.

My thanks also to all the teachers I’ve had in my six years of college. Especially to my thesis adviser, Ms. Avegail Carpio. I couldn’t imagine doing my thesis with anyone else. Thank you to my course adviser, Dr. Peter Magboo. Thank you to Mr. Aldrich Co for helping me with the SVG aspect of my project. And to every single professor I’ve had from every department, it’s been an honor learning from you.

Thanks to my friends: Alex, Roan and Marian. Thanks for the constant encouragement and the appreciation. You’ve been like my family these past years and I couldn’t ask for better friends. Thanks to my aiki-friends: Rex, Vince, Pau and Micah for providing support in that part of my life. It was a bit of a challenge to make it work but with your help, I managed to get my black belt and my college degree in the same year. Thanks to my friends at SVCF for the fellowship, the prayers and the tambayan. :)

Thanks to Dr. Troy Gepte and the College of Public Health for some materials and consultation. Thanks to Thelma Paredes and the Manila City Health Office for the interview and information. Thanks to the Manila City Hall for providing the map. Thanks to PhilVolcs and MMDA for wasting my time. Thanks to VALVe for making great games that also waste my time, but in a good way. And lastly, thanks to Jenny Romanchuk, Katie McWilliams and everyone at www.thezombiehunters.com for getting me interested in epidemiology and geomatics.

What is a man?

2008-05-07T00:53:00.001+08:00

What makes a man?

It's not age. A boy sometimes stays a boy. Years are not equivalent to experience. Is it experience then?

Perhaps. Experience makes a person grow. But experiences alone may turn a boy into something else other than a man.

What is a man?

A man is strength. Physical, not necessarily. A man is strong of mind. His will is iron. He has principles that are fair and uncompromising because he knows that they're right. A man is dependable. He is an anchor that holds a ship in place as it tosses about in a storm.

A man is responsibility. He has the ability to take action when it is needed of him. He has the capability to pursue goals for his own benefit and those around him. He is action and he does not wait for other to do his job for him.

A man is sacrifice. He knows what's important, and what is not. His life is lived for others first. His self takes second priority. He does not grow attached to things that would have to be someday cast off. He gives these things up unhesitatingly.

A man is pride. If nothing else, a man is pride. He takes pride in being a man. It is the only vanity which he allows himself.

A man is love.

My Special Sun.. and other nonsense

2008-01-28T21:11:00.000+08:00

“My special sun”

Was how I described her.

I mean,

It was how you described her.

I see her everyday

And I think to myself

That woman is special

Everyone can see it

But she’s even more than that

To me…I mean, to you.

The way she walks,

The way she talks,

Even the way she sits and writes,

You love everything about her.

And that smile,

That smile saved

Your life.

In short,

you love her

in the most impossible way.

I wish she were mine.

No, I meant, I wish she were yours.

I wish she were mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah... and now i break my almost one year hiatus. Believe it or not, i actually check this blog regularly. I just didn't feel like exposing myself for whatever reason, however irrational.

What you read above is actually something i wrote a very long time ago. It was very personal at the time, or so i imagine. I don't actually quite remember exactly when i wrote it, but i remember why. In any case, it's quite irrelevant now. I just wanted to share something about me (or something that was about me.)

I've been quite dead for some time now. Well, not dead. But a part of me has been hibernating for some time now. Dreams, i think they call them. I've become the thing i swore i wouldn't be. Mindless, aimless and worse of all, unaware of how truly lost i was.

Fortunately, the Cosmos hasn't given up on me. I've been given a reminder of what i aspired to be, and of my previous efforts to reaching that goal. So, thank you, God, for your patience.

I am back on the road to infinity.

Defiance

2007-02-18T22:58:00.000+08:00

I'm so f-ing tired. I spent the whole day climbing up and down a mountain, literally, mostly while barefoot. I had very little to eat, even less to drink. I'm exhausted, i'm bruised all over and i'm ready to collapse.

So, why am i writing?

Every action must have purpose, even this one. I am writing to prove a point--not only to prove a point through what i write, but prove it by the act of writing itself. If i take into account the conditions i've stated above, coupled with the facts that i have no drive whatsoever to be writing anything, and honestly, nothing really to write about, then practicality/logic/natural tendencies would imply that i should already be asleep on my bed. But no, i'm here in front of my computer, punching little black keys in the hope of writing something coherent.

I write to protest. I write to exercise my freedom. I write in defiance of my present condition. This is, according to Frankl, Man's Ultimate Freedom. I am not governed by my surroundings. My actions are not determined by the environment. I'll live and die in a manner entirely of my choosing. I choose, in spite of everything else. That, above all, makes a man free.

...
Excuse me while i die of exhaustion.

Cloudy

2007-01-23T23:38:00.000+08:00

I look up at the sky and see nothing but gray. Clouds obscure my vision, the sun does not shine. The world has lost its color. I see no vividness in my surroundings. Everything is just gray.

There were times when i was most happy in cloudy weather, the time when others would feel depressed. (I've always found it interesting how moods are affected by the weather.) I found the sun oppressive and unrelenting. I would curse my unfortunate location on the globe. I was tempted to shut myself in my nice, comfy house. (Un)fortunately, men were not made to live such a life.

We are creatures of the day, after all. We are beings of light. As i grew, so did my understainding. Evolution, if you believe in it, has adapted us to function in daylight. We're to move in the day, work in the day, play and talk and eat in the day. So i learned to love daylight and sunshine, wonderful dawns and sunsets when the sun looks like a molten coin in the sky. I craved sunlight and i breathed it in. The sun gives me life as it does the Earth. With it, i clearly see the world around me.

Not today, though. Today, there's no sun. The reds are not as red, the world is not as beautiful.

Somewhere, the sun is shining. I hope, in time, it will shine on me again.

When I'm worthy.

8 years

2006-08-27T22:39:00.000+08:00

"A young woman has told police she escaped a kidnapper after being held for eight years in a sealed garage, apparently resolving a missing child case that shook Austria." ... more

Wow. 8 years is a long time. I can't imagine being locked up for eight long years.

She was taken in 1998. I was 12 years old then. It was probably nighttime in my part of the world when it happened. I was probably asleep.

And then what happened? I graduated from elementary. I went to high school. I made friends. and some enemies. I travelled. I played sports. I learned a lot of things. I finished high school. I went to college. I contemplated God. I planned my life. I conquered my fear. I loved. I hated. I changed. I grew up. I lived.

But not her. All that time she was just in that room. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. No one to be with. Nothing. She was just there. Static and unchanging. Almost as if she didn't exist.

So, what's happening now?

Fellowship

2006-08-18T22:16:00.000+08:00

Fun.
Food.
Friendship.
These are things everyone enjoys. Tonight i experienced something i've sorely missed in my life -- fellowship.

Tonight was a good night. I laughed with people, i clapped with people. I played party games for the first time in years. I acted in a skit that was prepared in less than a minute. I didn't care if i looked silly. I talked with a teacher who shared with me her spiritual revelation. I shared some of mine. I prayed with all my heart. I stood in a circle holding hands. I sang with my eyes closed.

All these things i never saw myself doing. Yet there i was, enjoying myself in the company of good people. My fellows. My friends.

~~
We asked for the Spirit, and it came down upon us. It entered our hearts and made us glow, and we were as stars.

Somewhere

2006-07-26T22:06:00.000+08:00

Somewhere in the world, a mother is crying. Somewhere, someone is dying. Somewhere out on the streets, a child is hungry and cold. Somewhere, someone is pleading for help.

Somewhere, but not here.

But you know they're out there. All the suffering in the world, you feel it. Close your eyes and listen, and you can hear them screaming, crying.

We are all part of this world. What happens to one happens to all. Everything is connected. One's joy, sadness, suffering or passion is for everyone. You can feel it in the air. Miniscule vibrations, soft as butterfly wings. Subliminal, but there. You know it, and you have to do something.

For your own sake.

Love and Tetris.

2006-07-01T23:39:00.000+08:00

Playing tetris has always been hard for me. It’s a game of planning ahead, and also of appreciating things as they come. A player needs to do both to succeed.

My main problem is that I’m sometimes too much of an idealist. I have a certain idea of how things should be and I find it hard to compromise. I always need to fit each and every piece perfectly into one another. When a piece that doesn’t fit comes along, I put it to one side; I just have to wait for that perfect piece.

The problem is, the game doesn’t dish out perfect pieces. For all I know, the perfect piece may not even exist. The point is to make the imperfect ones fit anyway, so that the game itself will be perfect.

We will always have holes and gaps no matter how good we are. In the end, the game will have the final say which pieces we get and which ones we don’t. Keep waiting for the perfect one and you’ll end up with a pile of wasted opportunities. Get the pile high enough and it’s game over.

I can’t keep waiting for the perfect one. I have to learn to appreciate the pieces I have now and make them fit, because they're all i've got.

walking to infinity

2006-06-23T22:23:00.000+08:00

walking to infinity is to walk without fear. It is to walk without remorse or regret and to walk with one's head held high.

It is to walk purposefully, breathing slowly and calmly, with the goal clear in mind.

It is to walk with awareness, to realize that the road has many dangers as well as many marvels and that they are part of the journey.

It is to walk with courage, to put one foot in front of the other in spite of the hardships ahead.

walking to infinity is about my journey. It is about the path i have chosen and the struggle to walk it. The road is difficult and the destination is far. Actually, it is almost impossible to reach. Almost.

walking to infinty is about self-improvement. i have always marvelled at the ability of people to shape themselves, and even more amazed to find this potential within myself. Everything here is done in the hopes of bettering myself. This has become my constant goal. If i find myself going to sleep better than what i was when i woke up, then i know it was not a wasted day.

Always be better than yesterday.

the zest of life is sometimes sour.

2006-06-02T22:46:00.000+08:00

There are times in my life when everything is good. I find reasons to get up in the morning. Endeavors are fruitful. Events are plentiful and stimulating. I can almost see the turning of the grand clockwork of the universe. Life has purpose.

Then, in the clarity of the cosmic design, you see that nothing lasts. Everything fades. This too will end.

Souls and Swords.

2006-05-25T08:39:00.000+08:00

The sword is the soul of the samurai.

Historically, the samurai only used the sword as a last resort. In battle, they would use a bow first, then a spear or a halberd. The sword was only used in the direst of circumstances. I think this was because metal was a hard thing to come by in Japan and so they would have avoided the risk of damaging a sword as much as possible.

Reading into the subject more, i've learned that it also has something to do with the warrior way of life. Symbolically, drawing the sword would be the warrior's grandest act, his final resolve. He would bear his sword as if to say to his opponent "Here i am, i hide nothing from you. I bear my soul for my beliefs and principles. We will end this conflict now, with my life or yours."

In Sickness

2006-05-24T08:39:00.000+08:00

It starts with an itch at the back of the throat. Then the eyes begin to water. A headache develops, mild at first, then suddenly throbbing. Temperature goes up and sinuses swell. Finally, sneeze comes after sneeze. That's when i know, i'm sick.

I absolutely dislike being sick. The sneezing, the watery eyes, the runny nose and the headaches. Then there's sleeping on my side for fear of drowning in my own snot. That is not a very good death. I'd probably laugh at myself if i still can.

I really don't like taking medicine. There's something about being dependent on something artificial that irks me. I don't like wearing glasses to be able to see or the possibilty of being dependent on crutches or a wheelchair to be mobile. I recognize that the human body has it's limits but i try not to become accustomed to such things if i can help it.

I was a sickly child, or at least, i was always told i was a sickly child. I have this weird thought that i would have been sick a lot less if only people had stopped telling me that i was sickly.

Being sick, however unagreeable it may be, can also be useful in teaching us things. It's one of those 'Experience is the greatest teacher' or 'You never know what you have until you lose it' lessons. Nothing like a migraine to make you appreciate clear thought. Nothing like a broken ankle to make you appreciate walking. Personally, there's nothing like asthma to make you appreciate every breath.

Word of the day::
mal·aise (mă-lāz', -lĕz')
n.

A vague feeling of bodily discomfort, as at the beginning of an illness.
A general sense of depression or unease: “One year after the crash, the markets remain mired in a deep malaise” (New York Times).

[French, from Old French : mal-, mal- + aise, ease; see ease.]

Personality Theory:The Danger of Stereotypes

2006-05-22T09:46:00.000+08:00

One wonderful thing about being human and having a highly-evolved brain is the ability of self-analysis. In one of my sessions of contemplation (read: staring out the car window), i came up with this intersting revelation: people expect me to conform to a stereotype, and worse, i did too.

People always describe me as a shy, quiet, serious person. They are more or less correct, i am a shy, quiet and serious person most of the time. But in my view, i'm also quite obnoxious, fun-loving, temperamental and impulsive. I like telling jokes and i like dancing. People know that i don't play sports nor do i follow any sporting event. I am, however, quite involved in martial arts (which people see as a sport but it actually isn't).

The problem arises when people get narrow view of my personality. They become so accustomed to that view that they see anything else as an aberration. In turn, it made me feel insincere about myself. I was confused at why i acted very shy at certain times and very sociable at others. I hypothesized that i was repressed or insecure. I thought the timid part of me wasn't really me, but some psychological disorder i had to put an end to. I sought to rectify the matter by having a 'homogenous personality', that I would not seem out of character. I was not very happy.

The solution is in acceptance. People have very complex personalities, we are not stereotypes. I simply am comfortable showing a certain traits at certain times. It doesn't mean that i'm insincere, nor does it make the other facets of my personality any less valid. We should not be bound by 'what should be'. We are what we are.

Recommend:

2006-05-17T22:13:00.000+08:00

You have to check this out:

spookydoom's Cloud Song :: www.deviantart.com/deviation/22451106

Funniest thing ever.
:)

Pause

2006-05-16T09:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, when walking, i just have to stop.

There are always distractions along the road. Sometimes i just get tired, i need to catch my breath or i have to take a pebble from my shoe. People on the road might need help, and i stop walking for a while. It might suddenly rain and i have to find a roof or a tree. Other times i just stop for no reason, maybe to look at the sky and the clouds and the trees. Or i turn my sight inwards, trying to find peace and asking myself why i'm here.

There are many reasons to stop, whether out of necessity or luxury. in those moments, i often find myself so comfortable and content that there seems to be no reason to keep on walking. those are the moments that trap me so well.

but i always, always, always have to remember: this isn't the end yet. there's always somewhere else to go. the most important thing when walking the road to infinity is to not stop completely.

Things and memories.

2006-05-15T20:28:00.000+08:00

Things/places that remind me of certain people:
> Vincent Van Gogh's "Cafe Terrace at Night"
> "crazy for you" - Madonna
> ferris wheels
> my Bible
> Staedler pencils
> bubba gump's restaurant ( and what-used-to-be-a-cookie )
> mark haddon's "the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime"
> my looney toons mug
> the word "dude"
> purple flowers
> silver dolphin earrings
> blue and green crystals
> manila hotel ballroom
> red plaid skirts
> the cartoon character "slim pig"
> katipunan avenue
> "hanging by a moment" - lifehouse

it's funny how some people can associate themselves to things. it's useful when you're trying to remember. it's hell if you're trying to forget.

Morning: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

2006-05-12T10:20:00.000+08:00

The Good:
It's raining today! It hasn't rained in about a month. The skies are gray, the air is chilly. This is my perfect weather. The smell of rain is absolutely wonderful.

The Bad:
I lost my umbrella. I thought i would be okay with just a jacket and a cap. I forgot i had to walk 5 minutes to get to the office. I'm completely soaked and i'm freezing in the office.

The Ugly:
Hmm.. nothing so far. But i'm going to school later, i'm sure i can find something there.

Good day to you all!
:)

Moments.

2006-05-10T08:59:00.000+08:00

time is an interesting thing to behold. each moment may be just a moment to some, but a lifetime to others. time is a matter of perspective.

what is wonderful about being human, envoloped in time, is that every moment can be the turning point of our lives. for good or for ill, we can turn each and every infinitesimal amount of time, which would have been just like any point in time, into the single most wonderful moment in our lives, or in the world, or even in time itself. it is this potential, to be able to change at any moment, that gives us true power.

Optimism: A Good Day

2006-05-05T05:27:00.000+08:00

How i know that yesterday was a good day:
>the sun was shining but it wasn't particularly hot
>i wasn't very late for work
>my hair wasn't as messed up as it usually is
>i got to wear comfortable clothes
>the wind was blowing and the air was clean
>i didn't die

First Entry.

2006-05-02T21:41:00.000+08:00

It's 9:40 at night. i'm excited and nervous at the same time, the kind of feeling you get when you're about to ride rollercoaster. the rollercoaster in this case is this blog. i wonder where it could take me? it's my decision, really. the possibilities are endless.